Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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