I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
