I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
