apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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