I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize