I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
