On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
