Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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