I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
