"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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