his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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