Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
