The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
