This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
