ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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