Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
