allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
