she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
