What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
