I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
