I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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