that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
