Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
