Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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