When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize