It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize