I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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