Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
