3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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