I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
