god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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