I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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