I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
