i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
