I'd wear matching sweaters with you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
