season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
