I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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