How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
