yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
