I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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