i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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