If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
