i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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