Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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