his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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