Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Randomize
