I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't tell me you're on acid again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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