i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize