I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
