nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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