he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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