Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
