: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
