Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
