My Higher Power is John Stamos
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
