He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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