Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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