Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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