I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
