I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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