i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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