The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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