if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize