Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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