i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
