i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
